Just Another Day In Skyrim
by Warmaster40K1
Summary: Join the Dragonborn on his (Mis)adventures with his friends, and marvel as he encounters such wonderful sights and people. ONE SHOTS-NO ORDER.
1. Chapter 1-Here be Dragons

There was no way that what I was seeing was actually happening, no way in oblivion.

But alas, after wiping my eyes and blinking a few times I could see that it was indeed happening, and rather frequently as well.

I am of course referring to the little known occurence of Dragons flying backwards. Not something you see every day but lately I've been experiencing it more often that I'd like. It's quite hilarious when you think about it but in reality it always looks eerie when one of those immortal, totally supreme beasts starts doing that, really freaks me out.

Not to mention that sometimes it makes killing them all the harder. Especially when you hit'em with Dragonrend and they come crashing down, ass first. More than once I've ended up with my face in the dirt because of that, with Lydia or one of my other friends having to pull me up. Not exactly something that the so called 'Hero of Skyrim' should be doing is it? Having to avoid getting glomped by an ass.

I enjoy being glomped, don't get me wrong, but only by my family or _really_ close friends. And I consider asses to be neither.

"You alright there?" Serana asked as we stood there in silence.

"Yep, just watching the gracefulness of my kith." I replied sarcastically.

Serana chuckled as I hitched up my breeches and took off, shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs at the Dragon, who I shit you not, looked at me with relief.

After I had pulled my greatsword out of it's skull I slid it back into the sheath on my back and knelt down, pulling a small dagger out of its scabbard on my belt. I then proceeded to carve my name into the skeleton with the dagger.

When I was finished I stood up and started picking up the bits of scale that had been hacked off by me in our fight, slipping them into my knapsack.

"More goodies for me?" I asked as Serana came up to me with hands clenched.

"Nope, not for you." She replied, "for my mother."

"You mean the one that's still in castle Volkihar?" I asked, "the old decripet castle that we laid siege too?"

"No, the one in solitude, who sits by the gate waiting for my return. Of course the one in the castle." She retorted, putting the flowers and bits into her satchel.

"Fine, I release you from your oath of service." I said as finished picking up the scales.

"Thanks, I'll be back at the castle if you need me, okay?" Serana shouted as she started running in the opposite direction.

It took me a few moments before I realised that having let Serana go, I would now have to drag the Dragon skeleton to my house in falkreath. On my own. Or maybe not...

"Well, looks like I'll be needing some Mammoth power." I said as I started towards the nearby giant camp, pulling my sword from its sheath again.

Just another day in Skyrim.


	2. Chapter 2-This One Needs Furs

"Well I don't really care what your so called 'Saviour' says." I said to the two cultists standing in front of me. They looked at me through those weird looking masks and were silent as the grave.

"Err... I think I'm going to go home now, ok?" I asked, not really giving a shit about their response.

"But hang on a sec, are you sure we can't tempt you with eternal salvation of your soul?" One of the cultists said as she grabbed my arm.

I stared at her, before opening my mouth and laughing in her face.

"My soul?! You think my soul might be in danger?! I'm a fucking Dragon you nonce!" I said as I walked away, chuckling to myself and shaking my head, dragging the body of my friend Kharjo behind me.

It was a few more minutes before I heard Kharjo speak.

"This one wonders why you are dragging him along the ground."

"HOLY SHIT?! You're alive?" I shouted, knocking back some trees and causing the ground to shake as I let go of my control for a second.

"Of course, did you think something had happened to this one?"

"Well honestly... when you're lying on the ground with your head in a pile of leaves, not making a sound that's generally the code for that you're dead or knocked out." I said while helping him up.

"Although come to think of it, your tail was moving, but then again, I've killed dozens of Khajiit bandits and their tails have been going nonstop so I just assumed you were dead."

"Ah yes, an honest mistake then, this one's heart is warmed that you would not just leave him in the wilds to be eaten by the various beasts of Skyrim." Kharjo said as he brushed dirt off his self.

"Yeah, I am pretty awesome aren't I?" I said to him as I turned around and started walking again.

_Definitely not the fact that I need just ONE more rug for my study, drat._


	3. Chapter 3-Recollections

I stand in the rain, letting it fall on my head and run down my body as I think about my journeys thus far.

Scouring Skyrim for the power and knowledge to beat Alduin, my quest taking me from the tallest mountain to the deepest caves.

Joining the Companions and earning honour and respect through valorous deeds and strength, ensuring that the noble company can regain their standing in the land.

Joining the College and undertaking studies of the Magic forces of the world, so as to safeguard the knowledge for future generations.

Joining the Dark Brotherhood and killing more people than every natural (and non natural) disaster combined.

Joining the Thieves Guild and...I just remembered that I still have to drop some things off at the Guild.

Joining the Dawnguard, so as to... save a really old yet still hot Vampire so that we can gather more Elder Scrolls and then kick her father's arse.

Huh, that one isn't really one of my better moments to be honest.

I keep standing there for a few more hours, all the while the rain gets heavier and the sky starts grumbling with thunder.

I go over hundreds of the quests I've done, finding lost weapons, returning stolen items, punching various people in the face until they acknowledge me as their best friend.

In the years I've been in Skyrim I've done and found thousands of things. I've picked flowers, plucked butterflies from the air, ground skeletons into bone meal and even eaten human flesh and hearts.

I've killed giants and mammoths and wolves, slaughter fishes and bears and spriggans, rabbits and foxes and even horkers. Bandits and brigands and trolls have fallen before my blows and even the Daedra have come to fear me.

Even the world itself bends to my will. And yet one thing still eludes me to this day...

How the shit can Braith still not be afraid of me?!


	4. Chapter 4-Got Something For You

I stood back and admired my handiwork. A fully complete house, the size of a... a... really big house I guess.

"Ho there friend, I have something for you!" came the voice of the Courier.

_By the Nine! How do they keep finding me!?_

"Yes, what is it now?" I asked exasperatedly.

"Let's see here, that's right, a letter, from the Jarl of Windhelm." He said as he passed me the piece of paper.

"Looks like that's it, got to go." And with that he turned around and left.

I opened the letter and read the contents aloud.

"Hey Dragonborn, get to Windhelm, Jarl Ulfric."

I sighed and scrunched the letter up, before holding it to the sconce on the wall of my house. Watching it go up in flames I smiled and then went inside.

"Impressive." Said Teldryn as I entered the house. "I never knew you were so wealthy."

I stopped and looked at him.

"Really? How is that even possible? We've been adventuring all across Skyrim and even Solstheim and you yourself have even sold some crap that I've had you carry. How are you surprised?"

"Look, I just kinda zone out whenever we're doing anything that isn't killing so I missed all that picking up bits of crap part of the adventuring process, okay?" Teldryn said as he started reading a book that was lying on the table in the main hall.

"You are my friend, you and Lydia and Serana and Kharjo and whoever else I run across are all my friends, and you're telling me that you're not even listening to me when we're not KILLING THINGS!?"

He looked at me and nodded his head, still wearing that Chitin helmet.

"By the Nine I should have just let Miraak eat my soul, least I wouldn't have had to hear this treachery."

"I'm sure your other friends listen to you, I just can't seem to concentrate... when we're not in battle that is."

"_**Hey, someone say my name"**_

I turned my head and saw that Miraak was standing in my doorway, his mask making him look like a seeker.

"No, well yes but not in the meaning of wanting to talk to you, have you found out that shout yet or not?" I asked him.

"_**Uh... no, gotta go."**_ And with that he disappeared.

"I ask him to do one thing. ONE THING! Find out which shout Alduin used to bring the dragons back and he can't even do that."

I mutter to myself and push past Teldryn as he gets up out of the chair he'd settled into previously.

""Where are you going?" He asks me.

"To drown myself in mead, you go kill something!" I shout as I open the trap door to my cellar.

"If you see that courier, punch him for me will you?"


	5. Chapter 5-NIRN-GROOT!

"Stop moaning at me for the love of Talos!" I shouted at the glowing plant in front of me.

"Well don't just stand there you moron, pick me up." It said.

I balked at the sound I'd just heard.

"You can talk?" I asked the plant.

"No, you're just going mad from having spent too long in this gods forsaken cave is all." It replied.

I thought for a second, there was a small chance that I was actually mad, and that this plant talking to me was in fact my own mind trying to tell me to go to the surface before I turned into a Falmer-type thing.

"Okay, if I'm going mad then tell me... ah screw it." I said as I stamped on the plant.

"What the shit was that for? I'm trying to help you, idiot."

"How is making me feel like I'm going crazy 'helping' me?"

"Pick me up and put me in your satchel. Or I'll keep moaning at you I mean it."

"Fine." I said, picking the plant out of the ground while it hummed a tune and shoving it into my satchel with the rest of the plants.

"Ooh, hello Solvianus, fancy seeing you here."

"Good to see you at last, Approbatus, nice to finally be able to see you rather than having to shout at each other."

Just as I was about to hit my head on a nearby rock I heard another loud moan.

"Solvianus! Approbatus! Is that you!?"

"Croxilinus!" The two plants in my satchel shouted.

"Stendarr grant me mercy." I said as I made my way towards one of the lifts out of Blackreach.

"You-Follow-Me."

"No, for the love of Akatosh NO!"


	6. Chapter 6-Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

I opened the gate to Solitude and stepped through it, leaving it open for the person behind me to follow.

"Some gate guard you were!"

I turned my head and saw a large gathering of people standing near the entrance, don't know why I didn't see them before, probably busy with my journal.

The closer I looked I saw that a man was in rags near the block, hands bound, and the memories of Helgen came rushing back to me. I briefly thought about helping him but decide against it, reasoning that if I was going to join the legion then it wouldn't do to go slaughtering half or all of Solitude on account of some random guy.

Just as I came to the other side of the throng of people I took a few more steps and heard a large resounding thud sound, as well as some people screaming and crying out.

Turning around I drew my weapon only to come face to face with a dragon...

...Which quickly began to burn up and fall apart, but that was little comfort to the people it had crushed beneath its enormous frame.

"For the love of Mara." I whispered under my breath as I returned my sword to its sheath.

"What in the name of the eight was that?" A guard said.

"Oh nothing much." I started. "Just another dragon falling out of the sky, for no reason. Nothing to worry about."

I then started walking again, leaving the guards to pick up the pieces and restore order... and to scrape up what was left of Sorex Vinius.

Nasty way to go.


	7. Chapter 7-Risque Business

I carefully picked up the female bandit and carried her over to the pile of bodies that I was building.

"Hey Septus, what are yo-" Marcurio said as he came into view again.

"Oh hey there, nothing much, just relieving some tension is all." I said as I placed her on top of a male bandit, arranging the bodies so as to make it look like they were caught in the middle of a rather compromising situation.

"Dibella's tits what the shit are you doing?!" Marco said as he stood with his hands languishing by his side.

"Good curse, perhaps it's Dibella's own influence which is making me act this way." I said.

After I had finished arranging the bodies of all the dead bandits, making them all take part in some sick acts, I brushed my hands off and made my way back to Whiterun.

Whoever came across silent moons camp after me was in for one hell of a surprise.


	8. Chapter 8-The Musical Edition

"Oh Serana, you are such a true company-un!

Except for all the bitchin-about the goddamn sun!

Get over yourself woman, you do not explode!

Have a snowberry crostata, and take off a load!"

I walked along the road singing the song that I had made up in my head, it wasn't the best song but it had heart damn it.

"Oh sweet Jordis, you're one of my only friends!

A person who I know, will be with me to the end!

That is why I went to Riften, to collect a shiny ring!

And why I hope, that'll you'll suck my di-"

"Okay, that's enough outta you mister!" My friends said as I reached the climax of my song.

"I was gonna say Ding-a-Ling. Honest." I said as they ran after me, laughing as they tried to catch me.

We spent the next few hours running around the bone-yards of Eastmarch, either swimming in the hot springs or... well you don't really need to hear about that now, do you?

Suffice it to say, that trip to Riften was worth it.


	9. Chapter 9-I Can Haz Deadthrall?

I stared at the body of the wolf that lay before me and started to cast soul trap on it.

It wasn't long before Marcurio came around the house and saw me.

"Hey Marco!" I shouted at him at he edged closer. "I think I'm getting the hang of this whole Conjuration thing."

He came to a stop just by my side and, with a puzzled look on his face, asked me what I meant.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" I started. "By using my soul trap on this dead body I'm somehow gaining a better understanding of the world of Conjurationyness."

He opened his mouth and then closed it, possibly as a result of my epic ability to do whatever it was that I was doing.

"There!" I shouted triumphantly. "I did it!" I pumped the air with my fists as I finally learned all there was to learn about being a Conjurer.

Marcurio didn't say another word but instead turned and walked away.

I stopped fist-pumping the air and thought for a second on what to gain a better understanding of next...

"If I stand in the flames of my forge I can then cast a healing spell and gain more knowledge of healing things. Excellente!"


	10. Chapter 10-Stop Right There, Rebel Scum!

"You ever wonder if there's anyone out there."

"What do you mean 'out there'?"

"I mean out there, in the sky on other worlds, if there's anyone looking at us do you reckon?"

A non-committal grunt was all I received in return.

"Don't give me that shit, answer the question."

"Look, I want to go to sleep and your goddamn questions aren't helping me, okay?"

"Alright, fine I'll drop it, see you in the morning."

Another non-committal grunt.

I tried to get my head down for some sleep but found myself unable to drift off; maybe it was because only a few hours ago I'd been locked in a struggle against the ultimate evil. Or perhaps it was because of the dripping sound coming from the nearby drainage system. Or, maybe, just maybe it was because in the cell opposite to me there was an Orc and a Dunmer playing happy families...

And by that I _**don't**_ mean they were discussing taxes and procrastinating about impending nuptials.

I finally managed to get to sleep; it turns out that listening to a dude getting railed really sends me off. Like a frigging log.

But suffice it to say that from this day forth I'm probably gonna stick to evading bounties and such.

Nothing is making me bow my head and take my punishment...like that Dunmer did.

Ha!


	11. Chapter 11-Just Another Poke-rim Battle

I skulk around in the shadows, quietly bringing my bow to bear and nock an arrow.

The bandit turns to face me and looks right at me.

I release the arrow and watch as it flies the 1 foot between us and smacks into his face.

He drops like a sack of spuds and I snigger at the fact that his friends can't find me.

Lydia can't help but chuckle a bit as well, and I realise that I've finally made her laugh.

"Must have been nothing."

We both have to clamp our hands over each other's mouths so as to keep from bursting out laughing. Her breath feels warm and makes my hand clammy; no doubt she's experiencing the same as I.

Eventually we stop chortling our heads off and regain our composure. We emerge from the shadows and make for the exit of the cave.

Coming out of the cave we're accosted by two bandits seemingly returning from doing some hunting. They look unsure of us and for a second I'm thinking about taking off, perhaps leaving Lydia to deal with them.

"Who are you?" One asks us.

I could answer the question easily enough, perhaps even persuade him and his friend that we're simply looking to join his group.

What I find myself doing is infinitely funnier.

"Ere, you looking at my bird!?" I say in an accent not too unlike old Delvin Mallory's.

I then proceed to nut the guy and tell Lydia to run as the second bandit drops the deer she was holding and grabs her bow.

We're just about to pass the guardian stones and jump in the river when I slow time and turn around, intending to let off a fireball or several.

What happens is I see an arrow heading straight for my knee... and I feel fear for the first time in my life.

Okay, maybe the second time... or the third possibly.

Time suddenly starts up again and I watch in horror as the arrow pierces my knee and embeds itself into my leg.

"Oww, that's my knee, motherfucker! Ow!" I cry as I fall to the ground.

"You fucking dick! What's wrong with you man!" I can't help but let all the pain flow out of me now. "That's my fucking knee, oh god!"

The bandit looks a bit taken aback and sheepish as she stands there, staring at me.

"My thane, are you alright?" Lydia asks as she comes to stand next to me.

"Does it look like I'm alright!? My fucking knee is shattered, so NO I'm not all-fucking-right. And you, you bitch!" I shout at the bandit.

"Well you shouldn't have-"

"Shut up, you prick, all I did was fucking nut your mate, and you go all fucking Rambo on me and take my knee out, how the fuck am I gonna provide for my family you dickhead?" I yell. "Ow, my knee."

I keep screaming at the bandit for the next few minutes, all the while my knee hurts like hell.

Eventually I start crawling away.

"You know I don't fucking need this shit! My dad's on my back as it is, now what am I going to say to him."

"You fucking idiot!"

**...**

**...**

**...**

"My knee, ow."


	12. Chapter 12-Who Ya Gonna Call?

I was walking through town, my backpack heaving with various items and curios to sell when I was stopped by three heavily armed thugs, each holding some rather impressive weaponry.

"We're here to teach you a lesson." One of the three said... the leader by the looks of him.

I furrowed my brow and flashed him and his friends a quizzical expression before opening my mouth.

"Antecedents." I said to them, and watched as their faces now took on confused expressions.

That was my cue; I dropped my sack and flung one of my knives at the leader's face, catching him square in the cheek, he recoiled at the somewhat fast motion but not before my knife had found its quarry. He flopped like a fish outta water and fell.

His friends were shocked that I had attacked them, but were still recovering from my comment earlier.

I took this opportunity to slow time and as I did I caught sight of a nearby butterfly taking off from its perch on a flower.

_You are so mine after all this!_

I withdrew my sword and my axe and lodged the axe in the forehead of one of the thugs, his helmet crumpling around the sharp edge, for the other one I simply thrust my sword through his eye slit, impaling him and making him spasm slightly as my blade swirled his brains around.

Pulling the weapons free I was treated to a rather astounding display of blood as it shot from the wounds of the two thugs and flew through the air gracefully.

I quickly dropped my weapons and rushed over to the flower to grab the butterfly and shove it into my mouth, the crunch resounding through the air. Have to improve my alchemical skills somehow right?

When time resumed its march I found myself splashed with blood, having not looked at where I was now standing. I re-holstered my weapons and started to drag the bodies of the thugs to the nearby river that ran through town.

At the banks of the river I kicked the thugs into the water and watched as they sailed away, but not before I had rummaged through their pouches and pocketed their potions and Septims, and taken a letter from the leader's pouch.

Lifting the scrap of paper to my face I unfurled it and read from it.

**Here is the agreed upon amount. I expect you to faithfully carry out my request to teach a lesson to the thief Septus. You need not kill him but I have no qualms about if it you deem it necessary**

**-Ghost.**

I dropped the piece of paper and scrunched my face up.

"Hey, don't go dropping your trash everywhere." The guard said as he passed by me. "Or you'll have me to deal with."

I stared into space as I decided what to do with the rest of my day now that I had been right weirded out by the letter.

"Sweet, now I can forge dwarven armor."


	13. Chapter 13-I Used To Be An Adventurer

"There's an arrow in your ass!" Serana said as I returned from the bushes.

"Huh?"

I turned around and then realised that I still couldn't see it, so I reached behind me and grabbed it in my hand.

"Well fuck me; there IS an arrow in my ass." I said as I began to run my hand over the shaft.

"Well would you stop trying to get it off and pull it out?" Serana responded to me.

I flashed her a toothy grin and then walked towards her, stroking the arrow shaft all the while.

"Does this 'turn you on?' Get you all horny?" I said, the words dripping with all the sexiness I could muster.

She stopped backpedalling and stared at me with a look of complete incredulousness.

"Did you honestly just say that or am I losing my mind?"

"Look I'm just having a laugh, get over yourself." I said, gripping the shaft and pulling-hard.

It came out with a sharp tearing feeling and I waved the bloody piece of wood in front of our faces.

"Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and deliver this arrow to whoever shot it at me in the first place." I said as I turned around and stalked off into the woods, intent on shooting some bandits with my bloody shaft.

"What? And I'll just stand here shall I?" Serana said to my back.

"Yes!" I shouted through the trees. "I'm not having you sucking on my ass, even if it'll heal me."


	14. Chapter 14-Dead Men DO Tell Tales

"Have you heard the tale of Mathieu Bellamont, and the great treachery of Cheydinhal? Kill a boy's mother, and vengeance festers in the son..."

"Fascinating, do go on." I said to the ghost of Lucien Lachance. He merely stared at me with those see-through eyes of his.

_Ha, see-through eyes._ I laughed in my head as I came to that silly bit of speech.

Nothing much happened after that, he didn't elaborate and I wasn't really in a mood to want to know.

I continued walking and soon came to a cliff, which was far too steep to climb down.

I used the become ethereal shout and simply flopped off the edge, laughing in maniacal glee as my body was flung this way and that, without any harm befalling me at all.

When I reached the bottom I stood up and just as the shout was wearing off I turned around to see Lucien doing the exact same thing.

When he reached the bottom he simply gave out a strangled cry and disappeared.

"Fuck my life!" I shouted into the snow, I thought about resurrecting him but decided I didn't want to hear about the 'Great treachery of Cheydinhal' any more.

I reached into my backpack and grabbed a large cheese wheel.

"Sheo would be proud!" I said as I took a big bite out of it.


	15. Chapter 15-The Obligatory Non-Chapter

Hey guys, War here.

Since I'm guessing some people are reading this then maybe they'll consider helping me out a bit.

First off, let me say thanks to Aramus13 for reviewing some of the chapters. Wish more people would actually, even if it's just to let me know what's wrong (If anything.)

Next on the agenda is to ask you for some funny stories of yours that I could put in this thing, seeing as right now I'm feeling burnt out on Skyrim.

No doubt that most people are gonna skip over this or not read it at all but then again, if only one person takes the time to tell me their funny story it'll be worth it.

Big thanks to all you out there.

Peace

War


	16. Chapter 16-The Problem With Lurkers

_**A/N-**__Thanks for being patient, if you were patient and didn't run off like a hussy. If you did then I'm sorry, we can make it work I promise, just don't leave me (Cue sobs and crying manly tears of hurt)._

_Once again thanks to Aramus13 for reviewing with your ideas, I would sorely love to get a mod but unfortunately I only have the 360 version and no internet. So boo! Your ideas were great though. So yay!_

_And thanks to __Acidsnake300 for leaving a review as well. I do hope I spelt you name right. I copy-pasted it so it should be right._

_So as you can probably guess I've been away for a while, I'm not finished with this though so that's alright._

_On with the story (Or rather the ramblings of a madman.)_

**Chapter 16: The Problem With Lurkers.**

"Okay, are you ready for this?" I said as I steadied the dwemer picture box on its legs.

Serana and Lydia looked rather uncomfortable standing next to the giant hulking Lurkers that were just standing on the beach, looking out over the horizon no doubt.

"I don't really think this is-"

"Shush you, this is art… ART for the love of Mara. Now hold still." I slowly pressed the button on the side and started the timer on the magical device that is so totally a dwemer artifact for taking lovely pictures.

I ran over to the two women and stood in-between them, the Lurkers… well Lurking in the background.

"You know what would make this picture better?" I said.

Serana and Lyd looked at me with puzzled expressions on their faces.

"If you two took your tops off."

At that moment the magic not camera went off and took out picture. And immediately after the Lurkers stopped Lurking and came to life.

T'was all for naught as I deftly ran up to them and hacked their shins to death though.

"One of these days I should really try climbing on all those assorted beasties that attack me." I said as I pulled my sword from the bested shins of the Lurkers.

"Why do you always have to try and get us naked?" Lyd asked as she and Sera (That's their nick-names) walked up to me.

"Because I'm trying to determine who the best Waifu ever that's what!"

She then stormed off with a look of utter annoyance on her face.

"Well it ain't you lady!" I called after her.

Then I stuck my hand inside the Lurkers stomach and started pulling out the insides.

"What are you doing?" Sera asked me.

"Getting my Jelly. You can get Jelly from Lurkers right? RIGHT?"

_**A/N-**__This chapter brought to you by Acidsnake300 and his awesome experience._


	17. Chapter 17-The Title's Too Long (Wink)

_**A/N-**__And so we continue with the march towards madness. My madness that is, not my characters, although he is pretty out of it._

_P.S. Thinking about writing a Dark Souls fan-fic so if you fancy having a gander then get your ass to my profile and click on the link damn you! Don't forget to tell your friends. _

**Chapter 17: The Shout Heard Round The World.**

"So I said to him that if he wants to try and take my cake then he's welcome to it." I started as Erik the Slayer and I walked the wastes/wilds of Skyrim.

"Yeah, and did he?" Erik asked with bated breath.

"He did indeed, and that's when I stood up and head-butted him to death." I finished my piece as Erik mouthed 'Wow'.

"Like really to death?" He asked.

"Oh most definitely young one, I smashed my skull into his with such fervor and power that he was dead with the first strike."

Erik mouthed wow again and we continued on our journey to do whatever it is that you do when you're ridiculously overpowered.

About halfway to Ivarstead we stopped and took in the surrounding countryside. The gentle breeze, the vibrant colors of the trees and grass, the soft scent of the nearby lake.

And then we heard a loud roar coming from the village.

"Was that a-"

"Yep, let's go."

And we set off, swords raised and screaming our heads off like friggin loons. I kind of liked Erik, he was like me in a way.

We soon arrived in Ivarstead and I wasted no time in letting the Dragon know who was in charge around here.

"Oy prick!" I yelled at him as he hovered over the ground.

"I am Vaarosilooniace, hear me roar and-"

"Wait what?" I said trying not to laugh. "Your name is what?"

"Vaaro-siloo-niace, it means-"

"It means friggin doof is what it means. Just get out of here, you are not even worth my time." I said as I re-sheathed my sword.

Vaaro-whatever flew off and I laughed at his stupid name.

"You have saved us yet again O-mighty Dragonborn!" The people of the land cheered.

"You are quite welcome yet again." I was going to enter into a mighty tale of my awesomeness but in my haste I had forgotten that there was a shout on the tip of my tongue. And alas, when some unfortunate soul bumped into me, a certain dark soul you might say, I unleashed the shout and promptly sentenced Ivarstead to death by lightning strikes.

So all in all a pleasant day.


	18. Chapter 18-Intermission-Redux

**A/N-I am back and here to say that I'm probably going to be really unreliable in the next few weeks, maybe the next month on account of some course I'm attending, so I'll do as much as I can during this week.**

**P.S. this one goes out to TheCaramelSecrets, and the next one too. Kind of a 2 parter**

**Chapter 18: Redux.**

"I've done it, finally I've done it!" I shout as I rush into my dining room, since I somehow didn't think to build a living room with chairs in my house.

The kids and all my friends suddenly look up at me from whatever they were doing.

"What now?" Marcurio asks exasperatedly as he puts down the book he was reading. I see the cover and laugh.

"Ha, you're reading about the Dwemer, that's so sad." I say while laughing. "Anyway, I have discovered the secret to making travel around Skyrim quick, _fast_ you might say." I wink at the wall and smile slightly for some reason.

"You mean faster than instantaneous transmission?" Serana asks as I smush her lips with my hand, causing her face to look all smushy and cute, well, cuter.

"Shh, copyrighted." I whisper to her while looking around the room.

When I'm sure we're not being monitored any longer I pull some rope attached to some pickaxes from my belt and drop them on the table.

"Voila, see, normally we have to walk around the mountains and see the exact same views, the exact same landmarks and fight the exact same bandits and monsters." I say to the assembled group.

"But imagine if we could climb the mountains."

The group starts to explode in an avalanche of questions and outrage.

"_Climb_ the mountains? Are you mad man?"

"Why would you do that, 'tis wrong and verily so."

"I would like to know what we are talking about." Teldryn says.

I hold my hand up and quiet them down, then make them sit in silence for a few seconds just to test how much control I have over them.

"Everyone shut up and listen."

I then demonstrate how this new invention of mine works, I show them that in addition to helping me to climb mountains, this device can also be used to ascend to otherwise unreachable places, such as rooftops and battlements and such. And they are all sufficiently excited and thrilled at the new possibilities that await them in their adventures to help me rob everything in Skyrim.

AND I MEAN EVERYTHING!

"Why are our weapons gone?" Erik asks.

"And why am I missing my underwear?" Jordis asks.

I look at them sheepishly and blink a few times.

"Kind of used the time stop ability that is way too powerful and yet not powerful enough." I reply, holding a pair of panties up and pointing at the large pile of weapons that lie in the corner.

"You could have left me naked, why did you put my armour and clothes back on?"

"Because reasons now shush."

After that uncomfortable silence has passed I eagerly rush out of my house with my new toy, wanting to try it out. I get outside and turn around, looking at my house I spin the pickaxes and throw them into the air, catching some flying hawks and knocking them to the ground.

"Shit, oh well, one more time."

And with that I throw them up again, hitting yet another hawk and causing it to drop like a floppy thing.

"I sure hope they weren't endangered." I say to the wilds, which don't make a sound.

Just as I am getting ready to make my way to a nearby mountain, which isn't that difficult in the land of Skyrim I overhear a voice as something rushes me from the trees, accompanied by the buzzing sounds of bees.

"You fucking wit my nature?"

**A/N-don't forget the simple process you should go through.**

**Step 1-Review story with your funny or sexy or angry or whatever experience.**

**Step 2-Wait a few months for an update to the story with your suggestions.**

**Step 3-?**

**Step 4-Profit.**

**Simple and easy.**


	19. Chapter 19-Ain't No Mountain High Enough

**Chapter 19: Ain't No Mountain High Enough.**

I stood and stared up at the sheer cliff face and kept looking up at it. It loomed in my vision like some sort or big mountainous thing.

"Time to mount this mountain." I said to no-one in particular because I was all alone.

I used my super cool invention from the previous chapter and with some difficulty managed to climb the mountain with it.

"Ah, fresh air." I said before realizing that there was fresh air everywhere, but when you've spent about three hours climbing a mountain you kind of appreciate what little air you can get. Which isn't much to say.

Unfortunately that moment a dragon attacked and forced me to go back down the mountain using my ethereal shout, but in my haste I actually used my go fast shout and fell about a hundred... feet, or miles, or klicks, or whatever and ended up lying in a broken heap at the bottom of the mountain with my hand shoved up my ass in a rather uncomfortable position.

"I think next time I'll just stick to using horses or running and jumping diagonally."

Over the roar of the blizzard that had inexplicably come in from nowhere I heard the dragon.

"I'm coming for you motherfucker!"


	20. Chapter 20-The Bored and Blurgh(ious)

**Chapter 20: The Bored and the Blurgh(ious)**

"Ah, I'm bored."

"You're always bored these days!" Serana shouts at me from across the pond.

I stare at her and stick my tongue out. She rolls her eyes and continues picking at the grass, her feet listlessly swinging back and forth through the water.

"Maybe I wouldn't be so bored if the damn land wasn't so peaceful you know!"

"Grow up, it's been what? 3 years since the last disturbance? Things have finally settled down, and you're not in the best of shape these days either."

"Still in enough shape to give you a seeing to." I huff under my breath. I know she can hear me; it's her spooky vampire ears. Same as I know she's telling the truth, I am sorta, maybe, kinda, a teensy weensy little bit over the hill at this point. Just a bit though.

Things got boring after I sorted everything out a while back. There were no big wars anymore, no rebellions, not even a simple pickpocket or two. Oh man do I miss the days of riding dragons into battle and cutting people's heads off. Now all I do is sit in my chair and wait for things to get... anything.

Wasn't always like this though, I used to stand and wait for things to... happen. But after a few years of standing completely still I messed my legs up and they aren't so good anymore. I made a new invention on the one hand though, a chair with wheels in the sides rather than legs. I call it... a Man-Carriage! But to be honest I'm thinking of changing the name, maybe something that'll roll off the tongue.

Wait that's it! I'll call it a Roll-Chair.

So here I sit, in my Roll-Chair, waiting for anything to happen. Last week I was invited to some party, it was fun I guess, Serana got dressed up and showed some skin, which is always nice, and I got to eat some fancy food, so that's a win.

"I'm going to go Roll down to Falkreath, see if there are any wanderers or adventurers in town."

"You want me to come too?" Serana asks. I can see that she wants to desperately do something, just like me, although she might just want a drink. Last time that happened... well it was pretty cool.

"Err, yeah, alright then. Let's go tear it up!" I say as I spin my Wheels and roll down the hill.

Think I've discovered a new invention...

Brakes!


	21. Chapter 21-The Start of Something

**Chapter 21: The Start of Something**

"There's someone here to see you!"

"Who is it?"

"I don't know, I'm not your slave."

"Sure ya are! Send them down."

I'm always getting visitors these days, ever since the new emperor was crowned there have been people coming and going, telling me stuff that I already know. It would get boring if I didn't have a massive ego.

"Ah, another of the senators from the Empire, what can we here in the harsh north do for you dear senator." I say, sarcasm visibly dripping from my tongue.

"Yes, dragonborn, an honor to speak with you."

Wow, I'm actually surprised he's not dead by now.

"I've made the long journey to this most... inhospitable area to ask for your assistance in a matter most urgent."

"I don't go no legs anymore. Well, I got them but they don't work so good, after falling down a mountain."

He looks at my legs, finally noticing the wheely-chair.

"Oh, that's rather misfortunate. Is there nothing that can be done?"

"Err, no. Unless you can give me some new ones I'm afraid I can't really overthrow the Empire and then sponsor you as you take the throne."

He coughs lightly.

"But of course you're not the first to come here and ask me that. I don't suppose the sign out front caught your attention eh?"

"Sign?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, sign. The one that says 'I can't kill the Emperor for you' outside the house."

"There was no sign dragonborn."

"Serana." I whisper under my breath, eyes narrowed and fingers all steepled.

"Beg your pardon?" The senator asks.

"Nothing, nothing at all. I'm sorry that you had to make this journey but I'm afraid you'll just have to deal with your little problem on your own, I am out of the game, though I'd rather be in someone else."

He looks disappointed but nevertheless shakes my hand and gives me a curt nod, before turning and walking up the stairs.

When he's finally gone I jump out of the chair and go up stairs myself.

"Why do you keep telling them you're still crippled?"

"Because if everyone knew that I'd gone back in time using those three elder scrolls and managed to kill my former self, thus somehow absorbing myself and giving me enough power to mend my broken legs then absolutely everyone would be up my ass again, asking me to save their daughter or steal their cat from their ex or something."

"Still, they're gonna find out you know."

"You gonna tell them?"

She looks at me and smiles slightly.

"You didn't? Please tell me you didn't?!"

She just laughs and slinks away, leaving the kitchen door to the wild open.

I run to the door, bursting into the world I can see in the distance a litte kid running to the nearby village, with news of my miraculous recovery.

"Son of a bitch, damn redguards move fast as fuck!"


End file.
